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10:27am 02/09/2011
  there's been a twist of fate! I've discovered Hannah... I had an omen that she would come... after writting a letter (pleading for love and starting a family) written to a rabbi kown for granting wishes I did a divination doing bibliomancy.. the book said this very strange and particular thing and then I met hannah 2 years later and she says the same thing with the added idea of holistic healing, which is what I am studying for... we've been together for 2 months now... Krakow has been quite magical...  

(everything is permitted)

08:37pm 03/06/2011
  just had this feeling of who i am meant to be with... I'm going to call her "vepsana rasputina"

she's everything ethereal... like nature magic... it's really hard to describe but i feel it and it's definately something that I cold distinguish from toher things... it just feels so correct... I'll be her jewish boyfriend soon to be husband... sure I am a dark laberything and she is simple free flowing beauty, but I can offer her stability and I could talk care of the practical world for her...

(everything is permitted)

transformation: healer heal thyself   
11:20pm 01/06/2011
  going to do a new moon meditation at wawel tonight! so far I've drawn the 7 circuit labyrinth on my right hand...admiring flowers while listening to endocrine physiology lectures... wawel has the jupiter shiva stone...

jupiter is in aries now and my north node is in aries int he 2nd house... this will be a prayer for abundance...

the new moon is moon and sun conjunct in gemini... once the full moon is here it will be in sagitarius a jupiter sign... I'll consider this a 2 week meditation (mercury is called buddha the knower in indian joytish astrology) on ataining the jupiter level consciousness... in terms of Qabbalah this is switching from the pillar of severity to the pilar of mercy: hod-->tiphareth-->chesed letting go of my negativity and embracing abundance

"This is the second chakra, also called the Jupiter Chakra or Sacral Chakra. It is located on the spine near the genitals. It is the center of sexuality, passion, and the creation of life. "
*I remember I intentionally damaged this chakra in an effort to engage in energy manipulation... this chakra needs healing now as I apraoch a more holistic/harmonius view of the world and my aim is no longer spiritual manipulation...

(everything is permitted)

05:20pm 19/05/2011
  AA is helping me in interesting ways... I had an impulse to use tarot cards to answer a question, but then I remembered step 3...  Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him...  

(everything is permitted)

05:35pm 10/05/2011

alive only as long as i decieve myself... it is a living breathing paradox... i am willful selfdeception designed to survive for eternity... in an objective state... where all perspectives converge... where numbers create a hidden meaning behind words... mine is 391... like the 13 attributes of compassion and the four matriarchs... my sympathy is infinite... i am redeemed from my failings and my body heals... eternity is mine... in my body... trapped by the devilish forces of the earth... scourging my soul in the volcanic pits of their cthonic hell... god's sympathy is infinite, but i am not... ethical standards build a labyrinth that cannot be navigated and the law is used to oppress... it's like a theoretical geometry designed to hold the mind and stop time... if you act your intellect stops... if your intellect acts you stop... without you your essence floats away... emerging from the pit... but perception is a hallucination and you're still trapped.... if you think your going fast your going slow... to escape you must descend deeper... until you can't move... you can't speak... you can't think... freedom is death and happiness is to accept your circumstance... a helpless victim of an unnamed god... god is not limited by justice... to say that god is just is to limit god to a definition... god rations power to the profane just like the holy... holiness is unattainable to you...the only thing you can be perfectly is a prostitute... sacrifincing yourself for more... but you can't appreciate any of it... untill god tells you to... because your already dead... and your life is a dream... so try living like your dead... because zombie rock men need to conserve the past and accumulate more satisfaction... isn't that what you wanted? comfort... sensation... fun... no god wants you to focus your will purely on pleasure... to transcend the distinctions made by hallucinating life... in order to truely live you must accept the cycle of wisdom and illusion... get used to going into a trancescape... or just prepare to die if you still want to fight for control... now you are flying out of control... but everything is predetermined and calculated to provide the most suprise... active intelligence designes the world in an act of logomancy... your language is a map... but the map is not the territory... simulcrums stand only to confuse... consciousness is confusion... the confusion that occures when your certainty collapses and you realised that you mistook the surphase for reality... when consciousness become the impossible made mundane... unexpected circumstances are the nature of reality... babies can't get erections... the prophet is a demagogue... your hir altar... your the one geing fucked and your pain and hir pleasure together form the great chain of being... without you there is no me... the air is becomming electric... diamonds rain from the sky like a bolt... burning a cross on this earthly plane... our world is a receptacle of influences... action doesn't ever occur on it's own...
which side do i play? destiny is a cruel force that grinds away the careless and bold... the world gets smaller and more concise... like an immense equation balancing out to zero... eternity is immanent... but chaos prevails and recreates what was lost, undermining the minimalistoc divine plan... the world is a tesselating image with everyone of my contours making up the contours of those that surround me... but soon enough everything folds up into itself and the revelation is lost... providence disappears.... the future is undefined...
change is an act of love... when we are thrown into a new situation we are compelled to accept the assumptions we are presented with... we want to connect them with ourselves and plan arround it, but first you have to make thats judgement on whether it really is a part of you or if you were manipulated... is it part of your destiny... will it be one of the significant experiences of your life that is rearranged as a geometric figure to house your soul when you die? will it turn you into a formless undifferentiated light or will you be reborn to fulfill your destiny? will you infinitely repeat every permutation of your experience until you get it right or are you ready to live your real life this once? nothing i say makes sense because i write to write and not for you... you don't even exist... your a figment of my imagination... just another part of the infinitely expansive world that is me... a collective made up of solipsists... united under a common cause... for me!

(everything is permitted)

05:01pm 10/05/2011
  reading through old stuff I realize how anti-god I used to be... I think getting clean changed me when I first needed to truly pray...  

(everything is permitted)

04:48pm 10/05/2011
11:36am 05/10/2004

after 7 days, you step out of your creator. that man is your physician. he is perhaps evil. you come now with that bitter knowledge and cry: "alas, that his best is so animal, alas, that this rhymes" -- this choked me, my chattering where the throat is. When the soothsayer's world lies before me, nothing is worth while. Knowledge? there are words and sounds limping before me, sad rainbows and elusive bridges, drunken with death, speaking ideas eternally apart.


11:57pm 03/10/2004

cut up:

like a heavy rain, the human aura, oftenly denied to many, can be percieved as a point which fills your consciousness with greater light. you can and should observe how to purify it like one of the angels. you truly have it when men hold the master. joy shall be in one and all. never concern yourself with just probing the aura over, but with that which you need no more repentance. it is what is good and true about the world and will manifest with advanced discipline, should god come literally, rolling through, without discimination.


12:17pm 30/09/2004
a cut-up:

stop cries our heart! my eyes map her body. coldly the ritual continues. her finger is on my lip. i do not speak. backwards, she traces my tear. we are alone, everything permissible. i close all eyes. the world is night and the subject has no end. who dares? when god is dead.

(everything is permitted)

playlist (ministry of sound)   
10:38pm 07/05/2011

Britney Spears - Everytime (DJ Strobe's Vocal Mix)

Motorcycle - As the Rush Comes

Andain - Beautiful Things

Roc Project feat. Tina Arena - Never (DJ Tiesto Remix)

Delerium ft. Sarah McLachlan - Silence [Tiesto Remix]


(3 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

08:09pm 07/05/2011
  I just remembered the third eye/levitation experience I had in F.I.

with the intent of working something from the golden dawn we go into the Sunken Forrest... we find three trees in an (approximately) equilateral triangle and sit at each once... we meditate, invoking the trees... we approach the trees... we create energy balls in various colors, then we try to perceive each others colors... then the girls visualize locations and try to see what the other one sees... after all this, the sun sets and it gets dark... I realize that i am seeing things from a bit higher than I normally do, as if I was taller or I was seeing from the third eye... also things started to look more 3D... I ask the other girls if they are experiencing the same thing and they confirm... we walk back to the docks I feel like we are illuminated and the area around us seems lighter... I want to keep this going so we went to the beach and I find a bottle... we all blew into it with the intent of keeping the 3rd eye vision (i think we also soaked it in water) and then we buried it in the beach... after all this we went back to our families boats...

(everything is permitted)

02:03pm 18/06/2005
  something someone posted in one of my many journals...

Repent, the kingdom of heaven is at hand.
Jesus Christ was crucified and died for the
sins of the world, and rose again to life on
the third day. He is the only way to salvation.

demons, be silent and come out of this person now
in the name of Jesus Christ, the son of God, and
enter them no more. satan, be gone!

Mark 1:27 And they were all amazed, so that they questioned among themselves, saying, "What is this? A new teaching with authority! He commands even the unclean spirits, and they obey him."

Mark 7:20-23 And the LORD Jesus Christ said, "What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person."

John 3:19 The light has come into the world, and people who do evil things are judged guilty because they love the dark more than the light.

(1 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

11:39pm 17/06/2005
  it was two am...

i tiptoe down the stairs, careful not to wake anyone up... i take a drink of water and leave... once outised i find the floor littered with party fliers... right before i can enter the cemetary there is a large rock with what seems to be a sleeping animal... i am not wearing my contacts and it's really dark out so i can't tell if it's just my eyes playing tricks on me so i decide to hop the broken fence instead... i get all cut up by the exposed pointed pieces of the fence... i take a dirt road in the cemetary to a patch of woods... before it i kneel and undress to invoke the goddess amatoria... after the invokation i decide to go to the green belt that is on the opposite side of my house from the cemetary... inside the woods i aprach the keg rock, where i find an unused and unopen tampon... i then find a tree which seems to have symbols drawn upon it, but is infact the moonlight piercing through the tree leaves which made those symbols... i feel the tree and at the bottom is a hollow probabl;y created by a lightning strike... when i put my hand in i find it stuffed with sawdust... i use the tampon to dig it out... but i don't seem to be getting anywhere so i give up and leave the tampon inside the tree... i then walk to a pond, but i start to here movement... i find myself saying "I'm not afraid i got what i want"... when i come back home i wanted to write this down and when flipping through a note book to find a page to write on i find that several years ago i wrote the word "vepsana"... i do not remember writting it and i have no idea what it means...

(everything is permitted)

09:00am 16/06/2005
  The singular experience which that is consciousness can be divided into two.

  • The first principle is causal. It is undifferentiated and creates the illusion of time.

  • The second principle is synchronic. It separates the world in terms of attributes and it eternally expands outward creating the illusion of matter, space, and ideas. The second principle is a capacity and mitigates the flow of the first principle. It's like a window that gives sunlight a square shape.

The causal principle flowing into the synchronic is ecstasy. Emptiness.
The synchronic principle flowing into the causal is will. Direct Action.
The synchronic principle flowing into the synchronic is judgement. Ego.
The causal principle flowing into the causal is love. Happiness.

Will is judgement projected.
Love is ecstasy projected.
Ecstasy is formless judgement.
Love is formless will.

The consciousness, the synchronic principle, the causal principle, will, ecstasy, judgement, and love come together as the seven-fold nature of reality...

(everything is permitted)

11:06pm 14/06/2005
  seven stages of innitiation:
gate 1 intellectualizing
gate 2 cleverness and creativity
gate 3 niceness
gate 4 armor
gate 5 ability to act
gate 6 critical judgement
gate 7 persona

(everything is permitted)

11:02pm 11/05/2005
  my family crest
Leliwa (leliva)
Click to see full size

(everything is permitted)

10:24am 02/02/2005
  The name Amitoria is a bastardization of the name of a girl from india who requested me to work some black mojo for her, as well as amatoria with an 'i' replacing the 'a'. Amitoria means ecstasy, dissolving all form.

Asatham (Arzavaam, RZVM) is Amitoria's opposing polarity, representing will and actualized desires.

Vepsana is the black virgo, the mind dissociated from reality manifesting as critical judgement. Vepsana is the consort of Asatham.

(9 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

04:15pm 01/01/2005


(13 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)